Cheap-and-Good SyndromeI kidded the new girl that though I was casually dressed for mid-week, I had specially wore my best pair of jeans, just bought, for the Meet-The-New-Girl luncheon. The otherI guess I should return the favour the next time. It must surely be just as complimentary to observe that on the other hand, it takes a lot more skills to be Miss Cheap-and-Good. Really asking to be bitch-slapped.
Last Night"Ahhh, your friend who came last night, is he GAY?" One of the office animals asked.
I grinned. Was it the hair or the way he "The WHOLE package." She laughed. Well, who could possibly fault The King of Fairies for being a perfectionist when it comes to putting together an entire look? And notwithstanding his uncombed (because "someone is not around to look nice for mah") and wind-tousled streaked hair - which actually looked rather sexy, I thought. (Dammit, all those dance rehearsals are making me look at men in a very inappropriate way ...)
Into The BlueI dreamt that I was diving.It felt so real: the weight of all that water pressing on me, and the little extra effort just to breathe. But I knew it was just a dream - the same way that I know some dreams are not real - even as I was dreaming it. The same way that I knew I was not really falling from the top of a pole hundreds of metres above ground level - what was I doing on one in the first place anyway? The same way that I knew the heaving mass of entangled limbs belonging to three of my male ex-colleagues was not real - because I thought each of them would rather be dreaming about a romp in bed with three other hot women, and not each other. The same way that I knew that nobody could dive at 40m for - what seemed like - a few hours each time. And in my dream, I would always realise, with a little jolt, after - what seemed like - a few hours had passed, to check my gauges, reaching down for the reassuring touch of the rubber hose, sliding down to the end where the unwieldy instrument was attached, lifting it to my face, just a little nervous that I would find that my air was down to 10 bars. But the readings - though I could never actually see them - would be fine. And in my dream, as I walked easily on the sea bed at 40m (yet another impossibility), one of the other divers I was with (I had the impression that they were naval divers) said something about the light from above making the ascent difficult. And as I finned for the surface with the others, I remembered how blinding the light was; how the light seemed to be all around us. And though I could not see where I was going, nor where the others were, I continued reaching for the surface ... and believing ...
"Just eat lah!"It was the strange squishy but almost crunchy intestinal-looking things that he had said was some kind of "shellfish" and to "just eat". It was also the rather delicious hawker fare fried with chilli that I ate a lot of, but which the hobbling one (3 hobbling men in 2 days ... sigh) had just a little of before declaring it too "squishy" and that he was nursing a gout attack that was causing him "exquisite pain" and making him want to cut off his toe - every 5 minutes."FALLOPIAN TUBES!" He announced triumphantly, was the mystery dish that we had last week in a coffeeshop in KL. ( . . . ) That better not have anything to do with my haemorrhage.
BecauseWhat makes you think I would have dropped everything?You forget: I am not a guy. And I am most certainly not you.
By DefinitionI suppose it was rather funny, the way my doctor pursued the possibility of a miscarriage. "Are you very sure you were not pregnant?" She was taken aback when I told her that I was on Roaccutane instead of the birth control pills that she had prescribed me beginning of this year for my skin. (You did prescribe them for MY SKIN, yes?)"Well, I haven't been with anyone for a long time." "What do you MEAN by haven't been with anyone? Exactly how long ago was that?" Skepticism. ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman.") "Wellll, 3 years ... " I pause to roll my eyes heavenwards as I counted the months " ... and a few months???" "Oh! Ha-ha! Ok then." End of pregnancy discussion. But it was not so funny the night before, standing in the bathroom, looking down and watching wordlessly as I poured for a few seconds. I did not sleep until several hours later, because I was so afraid I would wake up in a pool of blood - or not at all.
Runaway TailHow do you deal with a subordinate who refuses to accept (it was never about respect, frankly) your authority?
Two 8's of Solo2 Body-Waves ending with a Head-Flick. And a full circle of 3 Body-Rolls.It came to me as I was showering off the Monday Blues and "napkin rash". (Sigh. Now I know why babies fret so much.)
Monosyllabic Me"No.""No." "No." What can I say? Sometimes, it works when no amount of patient explaining and sensible reasoning will. This tail ain't wagging the dog, much less imagine that it is the one with the bite. Growl.
Speaking of the DevilOr should I say, fairy kings? (Or was that queens?)As we passed through a quiet stretch of the Golden Shoe Carpark, I made a quick mental note of a pair walking towards us: tight sleeveless shirt ... huge muscular arms ... swagger ... tight jeans ... funky highlighted hair ... gay face ... definitely gay ... male companion ... long-sleeved shirt and work pants ... upper body looks buffed too ... The Fish ... looks gay too ... wait a minute ... HALLOOO!!! THE FISH!!! I tried to catch his eye with a hint of a smile, but his eyes did not seem to register familiarity. The Happy Tree thought he was just too engrossed in his companion. (No hope - attractive female in very interesting lace top, and everyone looked but you.) Later, I thought how strange it was that his face looked different when he was among the men, and my gaydar never went off (not while he was trying to catch my attention in any case.) And yet, as we passed each other that night, there was something so unmistakenly "soft" about his face. BEEEEEP! So the next time, some ditz who meets me for the first time gushes about how working where I do, I must meet a lot of "nice ones" (read: "How come you haven't hooked up with one yet? Can you introduce a nice one to me?"), I will tell them: "Honey, they are all either married or gay - and these days, OR bisexual." (And those who are not gay are more interested in having a go in the Guinness Book of Records for digging their nose non-stop while driving for four hours.)
"What fools these mortals be!"I declined to join Oberon (snicker) and his Titania, and I would imagine, other assorted fairies and enchanted creatures, for "dinner and pool". I was not feeling up to another late night. (See BLOODY MARY.)Instead, I met The Happy Tree for pork slices with garlic, kung pao chicken, chilli clams, sweet and sour potato, and kailan with garlic, at Smith Street, and then pistachio gelato and waffles with strawberries at Vilage, China Square. And in spite of my wretched body, I enjoyed the night tremendously. I enjoyed listening to and relating the latest at work. I enjoyed the story about THT's designers and their "printing porn". I enjoyed talking about how two older and definitely heterosexual men and I speculated if The Fish (among other people) was straight, gay, or probably bisexual. I enjoyed hearing about the "Sex in the City" email that THT's boss sent to everyone, sharing his thoughts on the TV series and the moral decay of society. I enjoyed reaffirming that sexual compatibility is really not about sex per se but emotional bonding and completing the circle. I enjoyed hearing about THT's friends and how they were driving her crazy. I enjoyed describing how Elmo was so fat that hugging him to sleep almost felt like being with another warm human body. I enjoyed laughing about the bat that flew right into the glass door of the SPH building and slid down onto the floor, stunned. I enjoyed recalling the hushed silence as three of us entered a huge room and what it was like to meet a former Prime Minister - who almost seemed a little shy (???) at first. I enjoyed learning that behind every confident man, is a security blanket. I enjoyed how we could talk about so many things within three hours. I enjoyed how we could laugh so easily without even trying. I enjoyed the comfort of a very old friend. I enjoyed being myself. I enjoyed feeling happy around THT. I enjoyed remembering what it is like to be around THT :-D And I remembered what it is like: To forget, and to be free.
"How much is that doggy in the window?"Roaming incoming calls29 Aug 23:59:31 (87 minutes 45 seconds) $42.03
Roaming re-routed calls (IDD) You are a very expensive friend to have.
Note to SelfMust stop flirting with faceless strangers over email.I guess that is why you did not want me to be there.
Bloody MaryAt the rate I am bleeding - or rather, dumping my well-scrambled eggs by the truckload - I might as well just park myself on the toilet bowl and wait for my insides to empty. It almost feels as if my body is making up for being late for an unprecedented seven weeks - and nooooo, I have been a very good girl - and it has been discharging its monthly dues with an unholy vengeance for six days (and counting). Christ. I was feeling really woozy the whole day and my vision would blur at times; I just wanted to keel over at my desk. Tan notwithstanding, SF thinks I am actually beginning to look a little green.Anyway, I got an appointment to see my gynae tomorrow morning in spite of the estimated 2-hour wait. I do not think I can wait until Monday - I might have drowned in my own pool of blood by then. See? Every month, something else goes wrong with a different part of my body. This is getting ridiculous.
TodayI spent the whole afternoon staring at boring brown boxes, and wondering why the hell I was staring at boring brown boxes. How many different ways can you stack boring brown boxes anyway?So I'm back home a little earlier tonight than planned - with another 5 minutes of speech to transcribe and cleaning everything up - though I was ready to stay past midnight. Because I thought I saw something in the back of the room - again. This time, it looked like a female. And then there were sounds. Not the usual scampering of rats or squirrels from above. But sounds - as if someone was still around the office. I freaked, packed up and left quickly. And then I spent the journey home trying not to throw up in the cab. It's probably all the blood I'm losing - maybe my ovaries have liquified. I think I need a blood transfusion. (Ah yes, and I forgot to have dinner again.) Maybe I'll just bite someone tomorrow - whoever looks like they should have their head chewed off, especially if it involves staring at more boring brown boxes.
2352 hours:
17 January 2005"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet...I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."~ Beverly Clark (Susan Sarandon), Shall We Dance I want to witness the many lives around me. I want to ask so many, many questions. But I barely have enough time to witness my own life as I live it. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Because if I don't, no one else will.
750kmMission. Accomplished.
OberonThe passenger's door swung open, and a familiar face leaned forward, a tired smile breaking through the deep bronze."Hey! Sorry! I didn't know your cab would arrive early." I reached out for the digital camera. "It's okaaay." He raised a hand - and flicked his wrist. Beautifully.
AloudWhy do I get the feeling that you do not want me around?
Sibeh Suay IIThe self-appointed driver just came down with myalgia, and his back-up has a gout attack. Not to forget yours sincerely, with her flu and swollen lymph nodes. What a sight we'll make on Wednesday.This road trip is going to be sooo much fun.
Sibeh Suay I"It wasn't a stinky old man, but it was a really really cute young one. Eye-candy okie!! hahah. The most good-looking person I've ever seen, actually. Was very amazed that such a good-looking person existed in such a profession! heheheh. Mustn't be human. Mom went with me since I was too sick to be on my own, and even she commented that wow, doctor so good-looking ah. waaah."Wahlau. Now, why couldn't that piece of candy have been my locum instead of some scruffy old man??? Sigh! No luck means no luck.
RIP - The Simple Life
Apparently, he was the second son of a rich man in Sibu. You could not tell - looking and listening to him. Those who did know thought it was strange that he had chosen instead to become a full-time dive instructor who also ran one of the rustic dive resorts in Malaysia.
I suppose he had what those hard-selling MLM It reminded me of a story about a businessman and a fisherman, about the things that drive us, and more importantly, the story is about perspective and not losing sight of what we really want out of life.
But money cannot buy back the late nights and weekends at the office, or the missed birthdays and gatherings of family and friends. Money cannot buy back the time spent pursuing happiness.
Sibeh Sian IIIAfter my encounter at the night clinic, I went home to discover that I had won a pair of tickets to the Nokia Starlight Cinema Festival.UNFORTUNATELY, the letter dated 12 september only arrived in my mail today. This means that I missed the show that I really wanted to watch: Mr and Mrs Smith on 16 september. Sibeh sian. There was also The Island on 20 september, which I had not seen. UNFORTUNATELY - again - I will be leaving for KL on Tuesday afternoon and returning Wednesday night. As for the remaining shows, I had either seen them or not interested to. So much for winning something. Really, really damn sian by now. Anyway, if anyone is interested (click above link for movie schedule), you know how to get hold of me. Sigh. You say today I sian anot?
Sibeh Sian IIMy flu still unresolved after seeing my usual GP on Monday, I decided to try my luck at the other clinic around the corner (which I wanted to consult on Monday but the wait was 2 hours!). As my luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the clinic was closed "due to unforseen circumstances". So I walked back to my GP.When I was called into the consultation room, I was a little surprised to find a locum instead of my usual doctor. He seemed a little absent-minded and a little slow, but he was old afterall. And so I thought nothing more of the distant look in his eyes. Until. He started to mutter as he was writing down something and then he dropped his pen onto the table - irritably. I had this sudden urge then to stand up and walk out of the room - and I almost did. (Sliced.) Then he tried to take my temperature but had problems with the electronic ear thermometer. He started to fumble with the plastic cap and muttered irritably when it would not start. (Damn sian.) That was sorted out after a few tries and I was glad as the consultation came to an end. Until. (Sigh! Why me??? Damn sian already, you know.) "What a hardworking GIRL!" He looked up and smiled, when I declined the offer of a MC and said I needed to go back to work. I shrugged, stood up and was already at the door when he repeated himself, a little more indulgently this time. "No lah. It's just work." I smiled, perhaps too brightly, because I did not know what else to say. Then the absent-minded old man's face became a little more animated and his eyes moved a little faster - from my head to my toe - as he observed that I was "very fit". I smiled awkwardly, even as I was almost plastered against the door, and would probably have rammed my body outline through the door, but my mother has always taught me to be polite to my elders. He wanted to know what sports I did. I blabbered something and then fled the room - after opening the door. But I remembered to ask the nurse for the full name of the doctor before I left the clinic with my antibiotics. I KNEW the name. Too well. Though not the face - until NOW. Of. All. The. Locums. In. Singapore. Let's just say that I am not the only person who has found him unsatisfactory. Anyway, Sofilex Cephalexin 500mg x 4 times a day, for 5 days. Whatever that means. But it had better work.
Sibeh Sian ISibeh sian. Still have the flu and lymph nodes are swollen again.
When Less is More"With a logic problem, asking people to explain themselves doesn't impair their ability to come up with the answers. In some cases, in fact, it may help. But problems that require a flash of insight operate by different rules. "It's the same kind of paralysis through analysis you find in sports contexts," Schooler says. "When you start becoming reflective about the process, it undermines your ability. You lose the flow. There are certain kinds of fluid, intuitive, nonverbal kinds of experience that are vulnerable to this process." As human beings, we are capable of extraordinary leaps of insight and instinct. ... But what Schooler is saying is that all these abilities are incredibly fragile. Insight is not a lightbulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out. ...""... truly successful decision making relies on a balance between deliberate and instinctive thinking. ... in good decision making, frugality matters. John Gottman took a complex problem and reduced it to its simplest elements; even the most complicated of relationships and problems, he showed, have an identifiable underlying pattern. Lee Goldman's research proves that in picking up these sorts of patterns, less is more. Overloading the decision makers with information, he proves, makes picking up that signature harder, not easier. To be a successful decision maker, we have to edit. When we thin-slice, we do this process of editing unconsciously. ... And if you are given too many choices, if you are forced to consider much more than your unconscious is comfortable with, you get paralyzed."
Slices** In the later days, she fussed over him as if he were a - overgrown - sulking child. (The way I used to fuss over another.) And so, in spite of everything, that's how I knew, and why I said what I did.** They would turn their heads and kiss. But it was without passion. I guess only time will tell. ** As he caught the eye of the other and emoted a look of mock disapproval, I was reminded of a couple of gay friends. And I wondered.
DeliriumWhen reality haunts your dreams (and what strange dreams), and dreams intrude your waking moments.Goddamn flu. My eyes hurt.
Going, Going, Gone.I finally remembered what that "something else" I was supposed to do today. I had promised to go to the housewarming of my sister's gay
Ear to EarI feel like getting pierced again. Where can I go? (The 3 on my right and 2 on my left are no more.)
SOS"u later free? i going downstairs at 11pm pass someone something. can be my bodyguard?" (I, Chicken.)"ok no prob. i bring elmo down oso can? hehe." (Phew!) "tat person izzit diver instructor? hee." (?!!) Waaah, my sister actually REMEMBERS stuff from my blog. (Note to self: Must not blog about stuff that sister might use against me in future.) Anyway. A week after I sent The Running Man an email about getting my regulators serviced in time for the dive trip, he responded. Incidentally, he finally got himself a handphone last week. Before that, the only way to contact him was through the dive centre or email; he does not even have a pager. But I have avoided calling his number - there is something in his voice that makes me extremely nervous. So, he called me instead. I apologised for not calling him earlier because I have been busy with work (I AM). He offered to pick me up after work since he was "driving". I said I could not go home yet because I was waiting to make an overseas call and then I had to do something else (I DID); but I could either meet him really late tonight, or tomorrow - in between work, the doctor and something else (YES, REALLY). He offered to pick up the regulators from my place tonight; it would be more convenient for both of us since we live in neighbouring estates. I suggested sometime around 11pm; I would call to confirm. He agreed to wait. I spent the next few hours feeling extremely nervous. Later in the night, slumped in the backseat of a cab on my way home, resigned to the CTE crawl, and my eyes smarting from work and the effort of just staying alive the past week, I sent my sister that SOS. Then, home and after a hurried dinner, I called The Running Man and asked if he could meet me as agreed. He said he could. And then - without skipping a beat - he suggested that I might want to do this AFTER my trip instead, because ACTUALLY, he might not be able to get my regulators serviced in time, because he needs to order the parts first and they might not arrive in time. Okaaay. (Asshole.) So, he did not ACTUALLY have the parts because he had not placed an order for them, which he confirmed was the case when I asked him if it were indeed so. Alriiight. (Asshole.) I said that was fine, and I would get back to him after my trip. Yaaah. Riiight. (Asshole.) Anyway. It was not because he could not do it in time - my bad. I, Procrastinator (but Very Busy Woman too!). It was that I had committed myself to letting him service my regulators because he gave me the impression that he had already ordered the replacement parts; and I was too decent a human being to take my business elsewhere and leave him stranded just because of a "personal" issue. AND, just hearing his voice made me nervous for 5 WHOLE HOURS about the meeting tonight - and for NOTHING. Screw human decency. I am going to look for someone else to service my regulators. And for some reason - call it a woman's intuition - it sounded like he just wanted to "test" if I was keen to meet him or if it was only to pass him the regulators. (Asshole.) . . . . . . . . . ASSHOLE.
Inventory Check* Kiss by Tom Jones* bob wigs * * torn white t-shirt (heh) * squishy wet sponge (heh heh) * pail of water (heh heh heh) * torn denim shorts * heels * alter ego
Road
Sigh. Yes, it is going to be another Road |
