28 september 2009
But in recent years, I've grown to dread The Darkening. I hate how the green of the trees and the blue of the skies are leached by the creep of night closing in all around me, only to be replaced by the gaudy palettes of artificial lights everywhere I look. Sometimes, my heart even starts to beat a little faster, and I almost forget how to breathe as I teeter on the edge of a panic attack thinking I'm going blind as the world darkens.... Mostly, I dread The Ending - Too fast, Too soon, Too late.
The green of the trees and the blue of the skies, The sounds all around me of people going about their lives, The comfort of the sun's warmth on my face and my skin, The knowledge that I'm alive because the world around me is very much so, And, I'm not alone.
The point is - there is NO point. Hence, the question (read: "there's no point"), so characteristically defeatist of you, is moot, yes? You had nothing to lose, but you ended up losing anyway because you expected to lose something - and so you did. I can see this is going to take a while to understand. A very LONG while.
But first, I shall write - because I never intended to lose the memory of you forever....
I'll miss you (and all the what-ifs, sigh)...
"Don't worry, I didn't read it." "No? Why not? Most people would have." "Well, I wouldn't want anyone to read mine." "You keep a journal...." "Yah. If I don't write it down, I forget it. Memories are... too important."
Just as well. It's simply absurd to set an impossible target (not to mention that the project manager then has to rally the entire team to the same impossible cause) just because you can and you have a sudden inexplicable urge to prove a point that doesn't even have to do with the project per se. You know, some women out there in positions of authority really ought to stop giving other women in similar positions a bad name :-/
Meanwhile, the people upstairs just assigned me Mission Impossible. Actually, I think it's just one particular person upstairs. Maybe she forgot to take her medication today or is just being GL. So I also GL. You ask for the sky, I want you to give me the ocean first. No ocean, no sky. Simple. It's a test, I know. People upstairs are very gang* one. If I break, I get an ass-whooping, and then life goes on. And, if I make it? Someone will no longer have to worry about naughty elves nor fret about being the bad guy. Because she'll have none left. *Cantonese for cunning.
Which reminds me. A month back, a work contact, let's call him Star Man, started finding excuses to drop by the office to follow-up on a deal (which, by the way, is still being finalised). During the last pretext, he asked me out and I said yes. The next day, we were texting details of the date when suddenly, he said he might have something on Saturday and would let me know. Saturday afternoon, he called a rain check. It must be the monsoon where Star Man is. Because he resurfaced only a few days ago after a suspiciously mysterious radio silence. (Yes, *I* am most certainly not married. But I guess I should have asked that question of YOU instead, eh?) He explained that he had been busy. He asked about the pending deal and mentioned he still owed me a rain check. I was all nice and diplomatic, and by the way, someone else would be following up on the deal instead. It must be still pouring cats and dogs again where he is now, because I have not heard from him since. You know, kena rejected by cute guy I still can take it - cute people can get away with murder in my books. To kena bullshit however, from someone who's everything BUT, is not acceptable. (Yes, I know it's just as well it didn't work out.) Nevertheless, Star Man can go and die also. Ok, I just had to vent that particular encounter and move on. Breathe. Breathe. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
An unwitting step, and I was suddenly drowning in liquid gold. Caught hapless by the other's gaze - expectant; his childlike lips - suppressing mirth; an open book to be read - I was the deer in headlights, this time. Karma - I had laughed in delight when he butter-fingered a couple of files; and I caught the guilty half-smile on his lowered face as he picked up his fallen comrades.
So you can understand why, for a very long time, whenever I had to walk past him, or within his line of sight, black waves of revulsion would be emanating from every pore on me. These days though, I just go 'blank' and ignore him. (Because I am trying to be a nicer person. Cough. And because, I figure he's just a little mentally challenged. Sigh!) Today, on my way to the office unit on the second floor, I found him standing at the lift shaft, looking down into god-knows-what (maybe a female ghost was minding her own business down there). And I had this sudden urge to push him into the shaft. I didn't think that would be a funny thing to do. It was just an urge. But that's not quite so bad, really. Because during lunch, I blurted out my morning fantasy to my usual lunch group...... I am a nicer person these days. But I do slip, sometimes. And I blame today on my period. Back to another 1000 years of meditation. Preferably somewhere where there are no lift shafts under construction.
Which means next month is just around the corner with 2 holidays lined up. And after September is October and after October is November and New Moon will be here!!! Wheeeee!!! I'm so catching Robert Pattinson on the big screen this time. (I hadn't yet caught on to Twilight last year and watched it on a DVD much later.) Anyone puking green yet? Heh. Heh.
Try harder. You know you want to.
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